enraged

enraged, infuriated.

about drawing. it took me 2 hours to pick  a subject. of course i chose a difficult one. of course, of course. i can’t be attracted by simple things. ever. i want to get to the depth of complicated things. that’s when satisfaction blossoms. trivial bores me till i feel i dissipate. can’t get bored. can’t draw flowers.

on sketching

took up drawing. again. at different stages in my life i pursued this activity. always dropped it like a hot potato.

once again i am beginning. and once again i am growing bored with the tutorials. they all seem to have it simplified in proportions, body weight, cylinders  (oh, forgot to mention that my main interest is figure drawing).

taking up drawing like a pupil seems to me like learning math. not dismissing the importance of taking up art as a class. probably works for some. maybe it would work for me to if i would regard drawing as something different than a very relaxing activity.

and in fact, i seem to have the ability to undestand space and body rithm all by myself. maybe when i have exercised enough and i will feel the urge to scribble at a diferent level i will dust off the tutorials.

about abuse

it’s sunday and i prepare to write about work. for an unknown reason i’ve had to be reminded of the unpleasant episodes starring my dressing code. before it i thought that harassment is only in the movies, but in the end, now that i think about it, i have been subjected to form of harassment at my workplace and i was not at all prepared to react properly.

it is surprising how, despite being well informed on the subject of protecting oneself against any form of abuse, we’re yet not prepared to face such behavior in the right manner and act against it on the least harmful channels when it hits us. it’s like the natural disaster or cancer. is somewhere else, happens to others.

what happened is story repeated too many times and of which my friends grew tired of. writing it down shakes some remaining rage off my chest. so, for this reason.

in short, out of  company of 230 people, in the first 7 month of my employment, only myself  got dressing codes notifications.  not one, not two. i got three. the reasons are once that i was wearing ripped, though slightly ripped jeans and twice for my trousers that were not long enough, even though they were as long as other ladies trousers, longer than the skirts and dresses the women like to wear in the company during summer. not to add that they are stylish, wore with large blouses or white shirts and office shoes. an outfit for which i received compliments from my superiors.

now, that i look back, i understand my anger. there is a dressing code in the company which is, obviously, not followed, to the extent that an entire team bought t-shirts with offensive messages. sexist and racist messages. and wear them with pride. they belong to a group now. ripped, skinny jeans are uniform for another lady. overweight ladies come in  clothes few sizes less than they should. the camel toe is a common sight around. as well as the ample cleavage. the prettier ladies spend a lot of time choosing very high shoes and short, summer skirts to wear at work. not a dressing code related, but we even had a huge penis-shaped cake  in the kitchen for a day. and these are  only the striking obvious parts.

third time they called me i asked them to send me an email. which they refused.  i balanced if i should go to my manager or to got and talk to them. i balanced a lot.  i decided that it does affect my capacity to perform my tasks if i continue to think about it and get more and more unnerved. so i went into their office where one of them, in a sugar coated voice started the abuse. it didn’t last long. i had only two qustion in mind and a very sharp, fighting to tone it down, voice. who else? noone, as expected. then why me? no. why only me?

even if the point has been understood from my questions, i still told them  i feel this is form of harassment and i do have the intention to take action to protect myself from being subjected to such unethical behaviour.

it stopped then. in the process i lost a possible friend who was befriending me and the hr ladies and who was not decided if i’m paranoid or if that other person is insecure.that was after the second time when i was already on the hight of  ‘what the fuck is wrong with that woman. why she picks on me?’. her initial theory was that probably a man that she fancies made the mistake of complimenting me. just a theory. an ssumption. a possible trigger. in any way i looked at this story, to me it feels i was causing her insecurity.

today we went out, picnic in the forest and i invited the long punished friend. after many, many months. and she told me that the hr lady asked about me. how am i lately.

this insignificant remark generated the long, long story on abuse. i reacted in all the wrong ways to it, back then, when it would have been easier to ask them to file an official report to my direct manager if they feel that something is indisciplinate about my appearance. instead, i took this as insignificat, at first, loads of unnecesary rage second time it happened, but believing this will be the last time, and complete numbness the third time when i was faced with the absurdity of all this, plus the indescriptable feeling that an insecure female thinks that i come in the shape of the victim. i think the urge was to correct the unknown feeling. i got emotional.

mushroom season

been to the mountains today to find it conqured by mushrooms of different size and colours.

the ladybirds were all high and would not play the model for me.  mating season for ladybirds? could be. seen two. pretty unconventional style.

bought a tv and can’t stop watching a bbc channel that plays endlessly nature documentaries. guess having a tv can be a good thing also.

a good caturday and a good after-caturday.

caturday

sort of, as today there is a public holiday on the island.

saw ‘up’. one hour and a half joy.

saw ‘district 9′ earlier this week – a south african movie. even though the movie is ‘the obvious’, a propaganda against xenophobia, maybe influenced by the fact that it is not another hollywood product, i declared it an hour and something well spent.

ingested too much information already about ‘inglorious basterds’ and finally tomorrow will be in cinemas on the island. this movie is in all newspapers. praised. i’m waiting for it. the only movie i remember i have actively looking forward to catch in cinemas.  my expectations are set high. waaaaay high.

a lizard in my living room acting like the ninja cat. when i turn and watch her, she’s still, but advanced to another position.